Ok, I am back. I've been away from this site for a few days. I've just had a lot going through my brain to sort out! Soon enough, it will all come to light and that will be good!

Tomorrow is the big day! THE ULTRASOUND! With any luck sweet baby Snowflake will cooperate. At our last ultrasound she just refused to cooperate. Miss Gigi and I drove over for the OB appointment and Averi told Dr. Wood how far we'd come so she offered us a quick ultrasound. Who could say no?! Baby Snow kept her legs crossed and put her back to the screen but Dr. W said she couldn't see any boy parts and she's 70% sure that baby Snow will soon become Princess Snowflake! I was so excited I bought a cute little pink onesie that says Daddy Does My Hair on it. But I'm trying to restrain myself until we know for sure.

What else is new since my last visit... The breastfeeing induction protocol has begun! I need to look through my entries from last attempt. I have been a basketcase! First of all I'd been dieting and changing my eating habits over the past few months in an attempt to drop 50 pounds. I lost 27. Yay, me! Then I started the meds for induced lactation. Two weeks... I'm up 9.8 pounds. That hurt. I literally cried this morning after seeing the scale. Now I expected to gain a few pounds during the adjustment phase but certainly not 10! I've been craving sugary things and that's not normal for me either. For example last night at 9pm I found myself eating cookie dough. Just slicing it and eating it. Going to have to stop that. Little things reduce me to tears. A song on the radio, a hair out of place, stepping in a puddle.. whatever! I emailed a friend who successfully induced lactation to see if I am going crazy. She thinks these are all good signs. I'm trying to trick my body into thinking I'm pregnant and apparently, I'm doing a good job!

We've been house hunting. That's always fun. We have a 3/2/2 now and once Snowflake comes we will have officially outgrown our house! The first few months she'll stay with us so it's no big thing but come next summer we know we want a bigger place!

Until tomorrow....

GGRRRRRRR.... I woke up this morning with a terribly sore throat. I have to blame this on my boss I guess. He has been coming in since last week coughing and clearing his throat. He pitches a gigantic fit if anyone else comes in sick but he does it. Makes no sense to me. So here I sit sipping echinachea tea. Donna gave it to me this morning. Hopefully it will bring some relief. I hope so because I don't have time to be sick.

Ms. Averi had to reschedule our OB appt. She could not get a sitter on 08/13 so she bumped it to 08/15. Unfortunately I won't be able to go. Sigh. She has convinced me it will be perfectly boring. Take her weight, her blood pressure, ask how she's feeling and she's probably right but I was still going to go. The two busiest days for me at my job are the 15th and the 30th/31st. So I am going to let her do this one alone. They are supposed to schedule the big ultrasound at that appointment. So hopefully soon we'll know if Snowflake is going to become Princess Snowflake or if we need to give a new moniker like little Snowman.

Thoughts have been all a buzz wondering about the fate of our four sweet totsicles. Dr. H asked us last time we saw him if we thought we were done. And my mind has been consumed by that thought. Am I done? Will this be our last journey? In my mind those little babies deserve their chance at life... so no, I don't think I am done. If it turns out we are in fact done after Snowflake comes then I will seek out a fellow IM to donate the embabies too. Daniel and I talked about this a lot over the past weekend. I don't want for one second anyone to think that I am not grateful for the 2 children we have and the one on the way...that's not the case at all. But my heart has always wanted 6 kids. So I guess more soul searching will follow and I'll let you all know what we decide to do with the frozen tots.

Although I don't want to divulge all the details I was able to experience a huge emotional release yesterday and I appreciate the person who gave me the opportunity to do it.

Man, last week was a doozy. I have no idea what the heck was wrong with me but I felt OFF.

I thought I was over the fact we weren't expecting twins but I guess I was wrong. Someone on one of the boards asked how the babies were doing and I lost it all over again! What the heck?!? I am blessed to know that I have one on the way and yet, my heart still aches for the little one who didn't make it. Yes, I know God has his reasons. I am the first to admit that. But I just don't know what is was that tore me up about it all over again.

Averi is doing well. She said morning sickness has abated and she can't wear her normal pants anymore. That she is actually starting to look like she has a belly. I can't wait to see that belly for myself. It won't be long now and she'll feel the little flutters of baby Snowflake as she moves around in her tummy. Yay!

Back to last week... I never realized how much online friendships can effect you in real life. I have met some really great people. A handful of them I've met in person and that's been amazing. Just to put that connection into a physical context. There are still so many others I want to meet. Anyways, one of these girls, C (don't know if I can divulge her name) has touched my heart so much. I sometimes feel as though her struggles are my struggles. She helped pick me up when I was down last week and if she happens to be reading this I just wanted her to know how incredibly special I think she is and how happy I am she is a part of my life.

C helped me realize that my dreams don't just have to be dreams. That I can do things to make my dreams a reality... when I saw no way she was full of ideas. I am glad she has finally locked down her surrogacy future and that we can get this show on the road. I was really upset when we cycled together and I got a BFP and she didn't. Knocked the wind right out of me. Again, I know things happen the way they do for a reason. And those reasons became abundantly clear as time rolled on.

Daniel and I started house shopping yesterday on a whim. We have a 3/2.. with Snowflake on the way we have officially out grown our home. The question now becomes where do we want to live?

Woohoo! What more could I possibly say about that?!? We've crossed over into the second trimester. Thank God. We had our first OB appointment on Friday. It was kind of a relief to just see the normal OB and not the RE for a change. (Although I do love Dr. T.) We got there at 10am and Averi had to complete a mountain of paperwork. She said the staff seemed a bit flustered when she couldn't answer the genetics question and she had to remind them over and over that it wasn't her genetics. We eventually got called back and Averi was already in the exam room and ready to go. They'd already drawn her blood and done the doppler. They called us in just for the ultrasound. No lie, it was all of about 30 seconds. I was a little sad. We didn't get to hear the heartbeat but we could see it. The baby has changed so much over the past few weeks. We could clearly see little hands and legs. The doc even pointed out the baby's butt. LOL. Anyways, I asked about the heartbeat and he said it was strong and steady. I asked about a number and he told me he "eyeballed" it. HUH? Never in all the time I've been around this world have I not been given a number for the heartbeat. I mean I know we saw it and the baby is measuring on track but after the chaos of the days before it just would have been nice to hear it. Hmmpfh! Next appointment has been set for August 13th and they will schedule the *big* ultrasound at that appointment. So... more waiting, LOL. For the record Averi thinks the Snowflake is a girl. And I have thought her to be a girl from the beginning. Only time will tell.

Anyways, after that we had lunch with Averi so we could just sit back and chat without the kids for a change. She looks great. She thinks she looks fat but I don't see it. I think she looks great. Maybe I'm biased because she's carrying my baby.

I took a break from the boards for a few days. It felt almost liberating to walk away for a bit. I needed some down time. It had become far too negative and all consuming. There were so many things I wanted to post but didn't. I'm glad I didn't. I know that no good would have come of it. Some days its hard to grit your teeth and walk away when everything inside you is screaming POST!!! I have learned that no matter what you say, private forum or not, you best be prepared to deal with the ramifications when someone betrays your trust and repeats those words. No, I was not personally betrayed but the whole situation isn't setting well with me. I guess the pot stirrers are always going to be there and it's a daily challenge to just rise above them. Sigh...

Wow~ today is Kael's second birthday. We've had a very busy day. He's growing up way too fast and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It sucks. I can't believe what a big boy he is. I'm so proud of him. His pediatrician said his vocabulary is amazing and that he's more verbal than most 3 year olds she sees. We have very little problems understanding what he wants. (I told her I'm sure it's because of his big sister, the nonstop talker. LOL)

I'm in a mood today. I have been since the weekend. I shouldn't let things effect me the way they do but sometimes I just can't help it. Ever feel like everything you do or say is wrong? Yeah, that's me today. Well the past few days actually. I have places I go for support. And one of them has changed beyond measure. I don't know what happened but it's apparent that I am part of a "group" that is not well liked. I have to be honest when I say I think its jealousy. We have never purposefully excluded anyone from our group and yet we are the trouble makers? I don't get it. But I refuse to let other steal my sunshine.

I can't wait for Friday. I hope to hear Snowflake's little bitty heart just beating away. I need to hear that sound so light will return to my soul.

Why does surrogacy feel so divided these days? When I started this journey back in 2005 it didn't feel like a war. Now it feels staunchly divide... and I don't know how to fix it. Surro vs. IPs. Mods vs. Members. It's so disheartening. What happened to the support? Where is the love?

Woohoo~

We've made it 12 weeks. There are moments when it feels like this time has flown by and times where it feels like I am counting every second of the day. That was the case as we waited and waited for the second ultrasound. I had resigned myself to thinking it was one baby the day before the ultrasound. I thought well one is great and two would be a bonus. I would not be at all shocked by the news. They day of the ultrasound came and I was racked by the anxiety that what if neither baby was growing. Ugh! The seconds drug into minutes, that drug into hours waiting for 2:45pm to roll around. We went to the room and Averi got on the table. I could feel my heart pounding and my mind was racing. Dr. T said "well, there's baby A. Doing great. Little heart beating away." The heart rate was a big 174 beats per minute. I was thrilled. We at least had one baby with a strong heart beat. They moved over to the second sac and sadly... the baby had not progressed beyond 6 weeks. It tried to stick around but ultimately God had another plan. The doctor told us that that the sac would reabsorb (vanishing twin) or that Averi could pass it. Passing it meant there could be bleeding and that scared the crap out of me. More waiting.... You would think I would be good at waiting by now. But I'm not.

We found out during this time that Averi's OB would likely not be taking us on as patients. Although she had delivered Averi in the past she had developed cancer. She hoped to be back at work full time but can't meet the demands of the schedule. So sad. So Averi has had the task of looking for a new OB. She interviewed with a 3 doc practice yesterday and seemed to like them. So assuming all stays well we have our first OB appointment scheduled for next Friday. She is so sweet. She found a doc that's not too far from her and not to far from my parents. That will be great come delivery time!!

So we broke the new to my parents... albeit a couple of weeks early. We (Gigi and I) made a card for my mom and dad with scrapbooking card stock and stickers. She helped me come up with a poem and it said.. We have a little secret and we think it's time to share. We don't know if it's pink or blue, just an answer to a prayer. We have a special picture that we'd like for you to see. Surprise Nanny and Pop, meet your new grandbaby!" It was so cute. Gigi actually video taped them reading the card so we have the misty moment on tape. Mom squealed as soon as she read pink or blue. So immediately told us about a new housing development going up within 5 minutes of them for family homes with access to the Villages. So of course we had to go check them out!! We brought home a couple of floor plans and now are left trying to decide what to do and where to go. That's a topic for another day though.

Ah, the two week wait. It was already decided we weren't going to go crazy testing early this time around. It was too hard on us. Averi hated seeing those snow white test windows and I hated hearing the words bg fat negative. So I was content to sit back and wait until the day before the beta. I figured if the test were positive we could jump for joy and then obsess over what a good beta number would be. If the test were negative I would have time to mentally prepare myself for that awful phone call from the ART nurse. So I was content, in my own little world, thinking of baby names and nursery themes.

Little did I know miss Averi had other ideas. LOL. She called her doc and asked for a beta test on Friday. Only three days past our transfer to see if anything was cooking. The test came back negative. She decided she was done testing then. She was trying to surprise me with a positive for Mother's Day. Isn't that sweet? Anyway... on Wednesday the 14th she felt sleepy and laid down to take a little nap. She had some crazy dream about a man coming to her house with three envelopes and telling her that there were going to destroy some unsightly homes in the neighborhood and when he left she was supposed to open each envelope. Each envelope contained a detenator for bomb located in each house. He also handed her a baby and told her to take care of the baby. When she woke up she said she knew in an instant that she had to pee on a stick. She said that before she could even stand up the pretty little plus sign was there. Giddy with excitement she went to the post office to overnight the stick to me.

So Thursday I'm at work. I sign onto my email a few times and no messages from Averi. I leave for lunch and when I come back there's a present on my desk. It was a long box, looked like a bracelet box wrapped in pretty silver paper and a card. Right away I recognize the handwriting on the card and it's from Averi. Inside is a sweet message about a belated mother's day gift so I'm thinking she bought me a bracelet or something. I unwrap the box and open it...and there's the positive pee stick! I shut the box really fast and grabbed the card again. "I ordered this for you for mother's day but it came a few days late!" No... could it really be? I opened the box again and sure enough, a positive pee stick. I immediately called her on the phone. I was like what am I looking at? And she said (all smiles, you could hear it through the phone) "What do you think you're looking at?" I said "It looks like a positive pregnancy test?" She said it is!! I started to cry, softly because I didn't need my whole office to see me. LOL. I am sure I said oh my god about 100 times. She just kept laughing. It was just the sweetest reveal ever!!

So then I had to figure out how to tell Daniel. It was the last night of bowling for the season. Well, they were actually just meeting to find out what place the team finished in and how much money they won. LOL. So Daniel asked if I wanted to bring the kids and come hang out with everyone at Hooters. I thought what the heck. So off we went... we got to Hooters and I tried my best to keep my poker face on. I sat across from him (on purpose) so I could see his reaction when I told him. It was dang loud in there so instead I took the present from Averi out of my purse and slide it across the table... he looked down and asked what it was. I said it's a belated mother's day present from Averi. He said she is so sweet and I smiled and said I know. So he read the card and looked down at the box. He opened it and looked at me. Looked back at the box and said, "What is this? Has this been used? Is it positive? Is it Averi's?" The questions were coming quicker than I could respond... but I said yes, yes. Miss G honed right in on the convesation and screamed... Averi's pregnant, the baby dust worked! Thank you God!" I took a picture of Daniel's face, he was just beaming. The whole bowling team cheered because they've been following along in the journey. It was a very sweet moment for all of us!!

So now we had positive pee sticks as of 8dp5dt. And they kept getting darker and she sent me one of those beautiful digital positives. I love the ones that just spell it out for you. P-r-e-g-n-a-n-t! It was time to sit back and wait for the beta. Man oh man, I thought the 19th would never come. But it did and it the wait for the beta number felt longer than the 2 week wait. LOL. Our first beta was 13dp5dt and the number was 987.71! We were definitely pregnant!! Second beta was drawn at 16dp5dt and the number was 3447. Numbers were doubling and rising just like they were supposed to. Third number was 21dp5dt and 10778! The clinic was thrilled, as were we of course and they scheduled an ultrasound for June 3rd. More waiting....

June 3rd rolls around and I feel like I can hardly breathe. What is the ultrasound going to show? We get there and Dr. T is on vacation and we're told we're having another doctor. Dr. B... I won't even attempt to spell his name. I don't even think I can say it much less spell it. The wand goes in and right away, I notice two sacs. One is smaller than the other but there's definitely 2 sacs. The utlrasound tech starts moving the wand around and Dr. B says I guess you want to know how many and right now I see one baby. My heart sank just a little. (We were really hoping for twins.) The ultrasound tech did her thing. Took her measurements and all that. I tried to be diligent about remembering them. I cannot swear by these numbers but will confirm them at the next appointment. It looked like she wrote us as 6w5d, sac A measuring 6w1d. The doc pointed out the yolk sac and the baby. They kept calling it a peanut. The tech zoomed in and we were able to see the heartbeat! Awww... what a relief!! We were even able to hear the heartbeat for a few seconds. That is the sweetest sound ever. She measured the heart rate at 121 bpm and said that was darn good for where we are. Dr. B asked how many we transferred and we said two. So the tech went to the second sac and that one was smaller and measured in at 5w3d. I could clearly see something in the sac, and it looked very similar to the shape in the first sac. She made some notes and that was it. No finding the heartbeat on that one. So Dr. B said he wanted to see us back in 2 weeks. He would not commit either way to what he thought the outcome would be. He didn't say baby in the second sac will make it or won't make it. So we left feeling torn...

I am absolutely thrilled to know we for sure have one baby growing inside Averi's tummy. I am torn because I don't know what's going on with the second baby. I've done oodles of research these past few days and have learned that in twins its common for one sac to measure as much as two weeks behind. I've also learned that it's very difficult to ascertain a heartbeat in anything measuring in the 5 week range... so ironically we are back in the 2 week wait. I talked to Averi about it. I wanted to her to know we are happy and will continue to pray that baby B comes around and she will too. She's so sweet. I also asked for her opinion thinking at this point she could be more subjective than I could... She said she feels like if there was no chance of baby B coming around they would have released us to her OB (which was the original plan on June 3rd.) She said because he doesn't know what will happen and he'd look like an idiot releasing us to the OB with one baby and her finding two...he's making us come back. I wholeheartedly agree with her assessment.

I've received several private messages and emails from SMO members telling me not to give up hope on the second baby and I want them all to know we haven't. Whatever God has in store for us, that's what we will have. One baby or two, I know that I am blessed. :)

Daniel and I are saying prayers that we will have our next ultrasound and see two beating hearts. I'll keep you all posted...

Well, well, well... it just occurred to me that I've been keeping my own private notes here and there but haven't been posting things here. So here's my second attempt and getting everybody all caught up. I tried to do this on June 3rd and the system ate it... ugh!

So the failed cycle from January hit me brutally hard...even though I knew it was coming. I was sad. I was mad. I was all sorts of pissed off because we had been told everything was so picture perfect. I know that everything happens the way it does for a reason but it still stung. I allowed myself to be upset for a couple of days but then I had to dust it off and look to the future because I know that no good can come from wallowing in that type of depression.

The clinic was a mess. They were reluctant to talk about the next step at all. It took countless phone calls to get everyone on the same page. They wanted to push us out to a June transfer and to me that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. It's not like we had a chemical or a miscarriage. There was no evidence at all that anything had even tried to stick around so I stood my ground. I had already spoken with Averi and she and I had agreed that one month of meds would be plenty. So I called the clinic and told them what I'd like to see happen and the ART nurse talked to the RE and we were on our way...

We originally met with Dr. T and he told us he really had no explanation when given perfect conditions that the transfer did work. He recommended using AZH this time around. I requested two more things... that HE do the transfer this time, not some other doc in the practice and that we use an ultrasound assisted transfer. He readily agreed to both. We left with another recommendation of transferring 3 embies. We were all set to do it to until the nurse called and said no way. I guess the doc was using my age as a guideline forgetting all about our egg donor, Jamie. From that moment on I knew that I had to be on top of every single day of the calendar and ensuing cycle. I'd already had discussions with both Daniel and Averi that if things did not go well this cycle I'd be looking for a new RE's office.

It took forever...well it felt like forever to finally get to May. I stayed as relaxed as I could this cycle. My biggest fear really was the embryo's and how they would handle the thaw. The crazy thing is I was fine until the day before transfer...that's when the panic set in. We had 6 little snow babies to work with and statistically I knew that we would really only have about 4. The night before transfer was long and I just couldn't wait for the sun to come up. But finally... finally May 6th was here.

Daniel had an install that day and couldn't make the transfer so after talking it over with Averi we agreed that miss Gigi could come along. The last cycle we'd followed all the crazy traditions and superstitions we could think of so this cycle we threw most of it out the window. I decided not to wear green and yellow and chose light purple instead. In fact, I wore the same outfit I was wearing at the hospital the day Kael was born. Averi wore a slate blue shirt with aa peace symbol and butterflies on it. Way cool. We got to the clinic and they told us Miss G couldn't go into the transfer room. We had already prepared her for this so she sat in the lobby doing homework. Our nurse, Ricky was the best! He was laughing and joking around with us the whole time. Heart of gold and high optimism. I will always remember him. He said things like "when we confirm you are pregnant, we'll adjust your meds like this" and never did he speak anything negative about what would happen if the transfer was unsuccessful. Ricky knew that my daughter was in the lobby and asked if he could bring her a snack. So I said yes and told him how Dr. T had helped me conceive her all those years ago when everyone else said that I would probably never conceive and carry. So Ricky took her some animal crackers and a coke. Healthy breakfast right there. LOL. Then Dr. T came in. He said the words I'd waited all night to hear. They thawed two snow babies... and both made the thaw! He said baby A maintained 100% of it's original integrity and baby B maintained 95 to 100%. He said he couldn't be happier and that we were ready to go. Ricky told him that my daughter was there so instead of walking through the back he went with me through the front so he could meet her and say hi. I thought that was really sweet that he would take the time to do that.

Off to the transfer room. They got Averi up on the table and rolled in the ultrasound machine. They brought the babies into the room in what looked like an incubator. It was glowing green. LOL. They put the ultrasound probe in and right away Dr. T said "you did a great job of filling your bladder" and Averi said "I always follow doctor's orders." So I jokingly said "you ought to tell her the embabies need to stick around this time!" He laughed and said ok. So he really told her that those were his orders. LOL. The ultrasound assisted transfer was amazing. I could actually see baby A and baby B as they both were placed into her uterus. It was a huge relief to know they were both were they were supposed to be and nobody was left in the straw. I have to admit to wondering that about the first transfer... if the embabies made it out of the straw.

Anyways... transfer was done and we were released. Averi decided to spend the day in town laying around. So we headed off to the Cracker Barrell to have some breakfast. Carbo loading. LOL. We laughed and talked about how smooth everything felt this time around. Then we headed over to a local hotel to lay around for the day. We watched 27 Dresses and it was pretty cute. Started slow but got better. Then Miss G decided she wanted to play in the pool so we all donned our swimsuits. I looked at Averi and said I know we said we were throwing tradition out the window but.... and I pointed down to my toes. My toes had been painted a mossy khaki green color and the big toe had been dotted with yellow flowers. She laughed and pointed down to her green and yellow socks. So I guess we both snuck in a little bit of the colors of fertility. We laid by the pool for all of an hour maybe. It was hot...welcome to Florida. So we went upstairs to change and then it was off to McDonald's. We had to get those fries! Who doesn't love McDonalds fries? And there's been many a rumor floating around the surro world about the mysterious power of those fries. Once we got back to the hotel Averi laid down on the couch. My friend Stephanie from Iowa had sent me down a baby food jar. It was filled with pink and purple sand and glitter. On the outside of the jar she'd written baby dust in pink puff paint. Too cute!! My daughter got the baby dust out of my purse and sprinkled it all over Averi's tummy. She said a little prayer, asking God to help the babies stick around and then doused Averi with more of the dust! LOL. I had to take it away from her or I'm pretty sure she would have used the whole thing. It was only about 3:30 in the afternoon at this point and Averi wasn't ready to leave yet so we opted to watch another movie. We let Miss G pick it. The Simpsons Movie. UGH! Averi made it about 20 minutes into the movie before she was dead asleep on the couch. I maybe made 30 minutes. LOL. I woke up about 15 minutes before it was over and Averi wasn't far behind me. I joked that the babies were kicking her butt already. LOL...

The day flew by so fast but it was beautiful. Everything felt perfect, it all just flowed and now the two week wait was on....

Sometimes it's the littlest things in life that just hit us out of nowhere and we find ourselves overwhelmed with emotions....

That just happened to me. No, I haven't gotten the call about the beta yet. But I'm sitting here listening to XM Satellite radio on my computer at work and I heard a song that just reduced me to tears... A song that when I heard the words I said, Man... God really must know I needed to hear that today. It's a song called How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin. Even if the beta is negative it just gave me such hope because I know that God has heard the cries of my heart and that he's here with me every step of the way and that I am not alone. I know I have all of the WIM's with me. I have Averi on my side. I have the love of my husband and children to help me get through the day.

Averi has already gone for the blood draw today. Now we sit waiting once again. We are praying for a miracle now as the pee sticks have been pure evil from the first test to the last....

Really nothing good to report. I've been strong. I've said my prayers. Much to our dismay Averi is testing negative thus far. :( The beta is Friday. I will not abandon all hope until the beta gives us a reason to but I must admit right now it's hard to find the rainbow.